Saturday, May 10, 2008

Missionary Biggest Loser #7


The picture on my nemesis and Christian brother's blog last week reminded me of a burger I once attempted to eat. This is a picture of a special burger called "Ethyl" made exclusively at "R Place Restaurant/Truckstop" in Morris, IL. Ethyl weighs four pounds after being cooked, and the guys from Bible Baptist Church in Romeoville, IL. took me there to conquer it before I left for Poland. If you can eat it all within an hour, the burger is free but you cannot get up from the table for the entire hour. I eagerly dove in, and for its size the Ethyl burger was fantastic. However, 45 minutes into the ordeal I reached the breaking point and had my first "dry heave"--the thought of everything I ate coming back. . . .uh well you get the idea. I cried "no mas," and as the waitress took the burger away she took another shot at my pride by telling about a twelve year old girl who came in the day before, ate the entire burger, and then ordered and finished off an entire desert. Of course I thought this was an urban legend but the proof was on the wall. You see they have two spots on their wall, first they have a place for the handful of people who have ever conquered Ethyl--and there was the picture of the twelve year old girl. The second place on the wall is for those who have tried and failed miserably. If you go to "R Place" today you can see a picture of me on the loser's wall looking pale and on edge.

This story has so much meaning, you see I had been training for years for that moment via Big Macs, Whoppers, and all 25 burgers on Red Robin's menu (including the one with the fried egg on top) only to come up miserably short. My confidence was shattered, my pride was smitten. It was just a few weeks later when Matt Jones and I began the contest of raising support for the mission field. This was my shot at redemption, my way to get back on the horse, and the fact that he refuses to admit defeat, gives me no closure and no rest. Mind you he refuses to admit defeat even though we raised his target for support before he did, that's right, by at least two weeks. He, like Hillary Clinton, refuses to acknowledge defeat. Sighting technicalities he continues with this facade. Incidentally, an example of his suspicious tactics can be viewed on his blog regarding what has been termed "the scandalous scale incident" of a few weeks ago. So this is it, the Alamo, the final contest, the "Battle of the Bulge" if you will, my chance at closure and vindication. As this story unfolds in the coming weeks remember this, "two pastery shops diverged in the Polish wood and sorry I could not visit both, I--I chose the one with more donuts, and that has made all the difference."


May 10/Week #7: 254 lbs.

Mental State: Skinny people make me sick

1 comment:

Matt and Courtney Jones said...

Let me be the first to say, "whatever."